By Christina Gray
Donna Haas Nathanson’s 28-year marital relationship imploded one year ago without warning. A long history of deceit and betrayal was suddenly unmasked, shattering everything she believed her marriage and family had been built upon. The divorce she didn’t want or ask for is expected to be finalized in December.
“I believe when this happens, we as individuals who love our faith are shocked by the fact that this is happening to us,” Nathanson, a parishioner of St. Gabriel Parish, told Catholic San Francisco. She didn’t know what else to do but pray, for the most part, alone. “I felt like an orphan in this circumstance of life,” she said.
Nathanson, 65, the youngest of 14 children from a devout Catholic family, is hoping to turn what she said has been an isolating experience into a more supportive one for others like her in the Archdiocese of San Francisco.
On Oct. 18, with the support of the Office of Marriage and Family Life, she organized a “Mass of healing” at St. Pius Church for “all who have experienced separation or divorce.”
No one should walk this road alone, said Nathanson. She said she felt largely invisible as a Catholic going through “the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced in my life.”
The D word can exist outside the comfort zone of much pastoral outreach, she said. The compassion may be there, but structurally, “I don’t think the Church really knows how to deal with us.” For Nathanson, it was almost as if as a separated, divorcing or divorced Catholic, she didn’t exist.
“You never hear anyone at Mass say, let us pray for those people who are divorced and separated,” she said.
Nathanson hopes the “healing Mass” will serve as a springboard to the development of a more robust archdiocesan-wide divorce ministry.
“The people we surround ourselves with are key to our moving forward,” she said.
Only one parish within the Archdiocese of San Francisco – St. Hilary Parish in Tiburon – is known to offer a ministry of support for divorced or separated Catholics.
Ed Hopfner, director of the Office for Marriage and Family Life, acknowledged that divorce ministries have historically been led by parishioners going through one.
“It should be a ministry where people get involved for a few years and then move on, with new leaders evolving,” he said. That hasn’t happened here.
Jesuit Father Alfred Grosskopf, who died in August, had a lifelong ministry to the divorced. In 2019, he received the annual Father James J. Young, C.S.P. Award, at the national conference of Catholic Divorce Ministry. In an interview with Catholic San Francisco shortly after winning the award, Father Grosskopf said he was drawn to divorce ministry because “I have a strong, empathic feeling for people who experience alienation and nonacceptance by others.”
Nathanson, whose adult son, Alex, lives on the East Coast, said she reached out to friends and religious and prayed novenas constantly after her marriage ended. “I knew I needed help,” she said.
Reflexively, she went to the Capuchin Franciscans for support because her brother is a Capuchin and “they have always been like family to me.” The friars at the National Shrine of St. Francis “listened and prayed for me,” she said. So did St. Gabriel parish administrator, Father Andrew Spyrow, and St. Pius pastor Father Tom Martin.
They listened with nothing but “love and mercy,” Nathanson said, and for that she is grateful. She longed, though, to share her grief, anger and confusion with other Catholics who might be going through the same thing. She had practical questions, too. She Googled Catholic divorce ministries, but “I could not find a single parish listing for a ministry to the divorced.”
Nathanson ended up finding a Christian divorce support program called divorcecare.org with local meetings. It was founded by a man going through a divorce who could not at the time get the support he needed from his church. Weekly group or online meetings cover everything from the rough emotions of divorce to legal and financial issues to forgiveness and a new future.
“It was really helpful,” said Nathanson, who wondered why the Catholic Church didn’t have something like this. “Surely, I am not the only Catholic going through a divorce.”
With Father Spyrow’s blessing, Nathanson approached Hopfner and suggested the “healing Mass” as a place to start. He is thrilled Nathanson stepped forward.
A ministry to the divorced and separated does not mean the Catholic Church is somehow endorsing divorce, said Nathanson. Or that she is.
“Please. I love the vocation of marriage,” she said. “I loved being married, and I’d like to be married again. But divorce happens, and it happens for a variety of reasons. We can’t overlook those in our parish communities who are suffering in this way.”
If you have interest in establishing a divorced and separated ministry at your parish contact Ed Hopfner at hopfnere@sfarch.org
Resources
Office of Marriage and Family Life
Ed Hopfner, Director
hopfnere@sfarch.org | (415) 614-5547
Donna Nathanson, Divorce ministry coordinator
dhaasnathan97@gmail.com | (415) 205-5998
North American Conference of Separated & Divorced Catholics
nacsdc.org
Online support:
Catholic books / authors:
Lisa Duffy:
Vince Frese:
Christina Gray is the lead writer for Catholic San Francisco.
